Monday, September 17, 2012

an open letter to men trying to pick up women:

Dear men,
It appears as though you need help with picking up women because twice in one week I experienced 2 instances of men epically failing to pick up women, (one was myself and the other a friend at our most recent book group meeting) so I thought I'd share a few pointers.

1. Make sure the woman isn't already married. A simple way to figure this out is to look at her hands. Is she wearing a ring on her left hand ring finger? If yes then WALK AWAY NOW. If not, then she's fair game until she says she is not single.
2. When you say, "you look like you enjoy a good beer, what do you like?" and she responds with " Oh I don't really drink beer, but I do enjoy a good cider" don't follow up with, " so you like Bud?" and when she says, "eww, no. I do microbrews if any" don't name anything with Bud in the name. You don't know what you are talking about and just need to shut your trap.
3. When you say, "it looks like blue eyes run in your family"and she says, "oh yeah everyone in my family has them... The harder gene to keep going the blonde hair..." do NOT say, "usually chicks with blonde hair and blue eyes are bombshells" for you will hear crickets chirping or get slapped.
4. When you sit at a table with a book club and they are discussing books, don't say "f#$% books I hate them" you are not impressing anyone.
5. Also don't go on a tirade on about plastic hardware after you interrept a woman's story about home depot. We  could care less. We're out without the kids or husband let us drink and be merry.
6. And when you leave, don't walk away in a huff because you failed so miserably in your moment of trying to impress, because your attempt was just so awful.

Thanks for the laughs gentlemen! I hope you found these tips helpful and cleared up any confusing areas for you.

With that said, its sweet of you to flatter us with your attempts at flirting. Brownie points to you for trying. Unless you're a dumbass.


  1. Well said!! Been there, done that.

  2. lol. Good guidance there. I do feel for them sometimes - trying to work through those awkward conversation starters.

    I had a good laugh at myself recently after a pickup. I've been out of the dating scene quite awhile due to being focused on grad school and work. I was hanging at a friend's pool when this guy started casually chatting with me. It wasn't until he asked for my number that it dawned on me that he was hitting on me. As soon as he left I noticed that my friends were in the pool watching and laughing because they'd seen the whole exchange and saw how clueless I was. :> That poor guy...

  3. Ew. The grossest thing ever was the time a guy tried to pick up on me, and I flashed him the ring and said, "sorry, dude," then he said, "but I'm sure your husband doesn't satisfy you all the time?"
    EEEEEWWWWWWW!!!! Step off, dirty creeper!!

  4. Lol. There was one time I was was driving and stopped at a light. A landscaping truck pulls up in the left turn lane next me and the guy starts flirting. I wave my wedding ring at him and he said "oh that's nice I have 2 kids" "me too" I say.. Thank goodness the light turned because I was ready to smack the guy

  5. This is so funny! BTW- There are 2 - #3 S!! first #3 cracked me up-
    At least you know you're still attractive Tho! Hasn't happened to me in ages with English-speaking men, anyway.
    I'm so good at scaring them away.

  6. Oh my goodness! I didn't even that is why blogging from my phone at 1:30am during a bout of insomnia is not the best idea.

  7. I think the worst experience I ever had with someone trying to pick me up, was also one of the most honest. He simply sat down and said "You know I'm going to try to have sex with you."
    And I said "You know it's not going to work."
    He simply replied "Eh, I'm going to try anyways."
    I honestly had trouble deciding if I was offended or amused.